I started in NLP. Neural Linguistic Programming. Brain Language-understanding how the brain codifies language into beliefs that then moderate our behaviors, thoughts, feelings and reality. Pretty fascinating actually.
My Grandfather used to say "A liar is worse than a thief. You can never catch a liar." But can you? How do you know if someone is lying to you? Wouldn't that be a useful skill to have?
Short of reading their mind, which we can teach you to do in the classes, you can really pick up a lot of information through non-verbal clues. 90% of communication is non-verbal anyway! Learning what to pay attention to is half the task.
Police officers, Interrogators, Speech writers, Advertisers, Lawyers are trained in NLP. And they are intuitive. I'm amazed at how many men dismiss psychism, and yet use it all the time. They call it a hunch, a gut feeling, but for them it's not woo-woo stuff, it's experience. Why are we so reluctant to admit our own extra-sensory abilities? We all have them? Ah but wait now. I'm getting up on my soapbox, so let me climb down, wipe off my hands, and start again.
Parents needs this. Hey, if you are in a relationship, it would pay to have this ability. Right? Remember the old "SOAP" sitcom? For some reason when I think of consummate liars, I think of the husband in that show, Chester (played by Robert Mandan), married to Jessica (played so beautifully by Katherine Helmund).
1. Catch 'em in the inconsistencies. Liars often trip themselves up because they can't keep their stories straight, but they may miss basic human reactions to things. But more important, what is their usual behavior, and are they consistent or inconsistent with that? Sometimes extreme emotion can cause us to behave differently than we would normally.
2. Ask unexpected questions that they have to think about. If they are making it up, listen to the tone of their voice and the length of the pause.
3. Watch their eyes when you ask it too. In NLP we know eye accessing cues-and most people's eyes go UP and to their RIGHT (your left as you look at them) when they are in what we call "visual construct." That means-they are making it up as they go. If you want to see, ask them a visual question about something you know they know (like what they wore), and watch their eyes. They will go up and to their LEFT (your right) to see the remembered picture.
4. Are their emotions genuine? Can you tell this? Well most people aren't as good at acting as they think, and what trips them up is being calm when they should be upset, and being agitated when they should be calm. Acting a part that they haven't really experienced.
5. But you can calibrate even closer. Watch their eyes-the pupil dilation when you ask them a question, and it's less about what it means as it does to just notice a reaction. Watch if they start to sweat. Physical reactions that they can't control.
6. Watch their breathing. Are they holding their breath, or breathing rapid. Are they shallow breathing? Something else might be going on.
7. The old "they won't meet my eyes" doesn't always work. Some people get so upset they can't look at you. That doesn't mean they are lying. It could be habit from childhood. But is it consistent or inconsistent with their baseline normal? Watch for the eyes that dart and move though-there is a hidden agitation to notice. They might not be lying exactly, but they could be hiding something! Refer to #1!
8. In NLP we call these micro calibrations. Pore size on the skin, watching their nostrils, pupil dilation. You can also watch micro emotional expressions. Flashes of uncontrolled emotion that reveals what's going on deeper.
9. Watch and listen for mismatches. These are unconscious. "Yes of course I was there" while they are slightly shaking their head 'no'. Watch the hands, watch the feet! People that are trying hard to lie might inadvertantly hold their body very rigid-an inconsistency with their normal behavior? Refer to #1! Just notice!
10. When people create a story to cover themselves they often make up too many details, trying to cover too many bases! A good alibi isn't necessarily a perfect one. Too many details may be the clue you need.
But really, we want to trust people, we need to trust people, and it's important to give them the benefit of the doubt. And lying may have a positive intention. FInd out why they are trying to lie. I tell parents all the time, it's good to be aware, but don't be suspicious of everything. Let your children know you trust them, and lead with being honest yourself. Kids model what you do, not what you say.